I have created a recipes page by the way. It will be a section probably by the weekend. I just need to think of the best way to do it.

I just thought of a good way, but I’m going to bed so the world will have to wait.

Divvy recipes are JUST right for me. Do you have any idiot or dork recipes I can try?

HUMMOUS

Get out your blender. Make sure there is no mice poo in it.

Assemble the following:
1 x tin of chickpeas (not a big one)
1-3 cloves of garlic
Tahini in a jar, about 1 1/2 tbs
Good salt, e.g. Maldon
Pepper (I will not write ‘freshly milled black pepper’ as I am not Delia Fucking Smith)
1 big old juicy lemon with another one on the side just in case
Some water.

Microwave the lemon for about 7 seconds. Take out of the microwave. Roll it about under your palm on the work surface. It will squirt its juice out for you willingly.

Get a tin of chickpeas. Pref. the ones without all the shit in. DRain them and rinse them.
Put them in the blender.
Put in 1-2 large cloves of garlic (if you’re not that keen on garlic just put in 1 medium sized one - you can always add more)
Add the tahini
Add the juice of one lemon
Salt and pepper.

Whizz it. Taste it. Ask yourself if you like what it’s saying to you. (don’t worry about the consistency yet). Add more lemon juice if that takes your fancy. Taste it again. You think you might want more garlic? Put it in, but bear in mind it kind of mellows and gets more pungent.

If it is tasting right add in some water, like a tbs at a time, until it’s smooth - or rather, the consistency you like. Yes indeed. You can do it with olive oil but oddly enough despite the fact I love a good olive oil as much as the next lardass, I like it more without - it’s not as heavy somehow and you feel all fresh like a mountain goat.

For the berry thing I can’t be specific about quantities so use your eyes and hands. The only sugar is in the cassis but watch out for the yoghurt - I have in the past made this with plain fat free yoghurt and it’s delicious if you like the sour/sweet thing. If not use vanilla.

BERRY THING

Get frozen berries. I use a very good thing which is rasps, strawbs, blueberries, blackberries, blackcurrants.
Shove about 3 handfuls in a small saucepan.
Take your Cassis bottle. Administer a large slug, like if you were making a Kir for 10 giants.
Let it warm through slowly. Turn it about gently now and then.

Now get a bit 70s on your arse and get some glasses out the cupboard. When the berries are warm and beginning to disintegrate, spoon them (gross expression) into the bottom of the glasses (I think this is enoug fo r2 by the way). Let it cool down a bit and make sure you leave a good couple of spoons of juice at the bottom of the pan.

GEt some vanilla yoghurt, a good fat-free one, like Rachel’s. If you are feeling cheeky get A BIT of cream and whip it until it’s really stiff, then whip in about 3 times the amount of yoghurt. It won’t be as stiff as cream but it’ll have a certain thickness. Any yog. will do as it goes but I like Vanilla as the berries are quite sweet. Get some pecans, like about 10, and crush them with your ladypalm until they are in bits and fold them gently into the yog. Shove yog on fruit. Shove remaining juice on top. If you are feeling frisky,adorn with a single lonely berry.

The important bit is … refrigerate it for at least 2 hours if you can. This is a totally divvy recipe and not really a recipe at all but I make it a lot and the pathologist really likes it too - it feels really sweet and delicious,but there are loads of lovely textures and contrasts going on at the same time and it really isn’t full of shit.