(I should stop this, really. Or at least I should start taking some exercise and talking about that. But I can’t help it.)
I was trying to explain how I’m currently feeling about food to a colleague of mine. I said that what I love is the way that food is not currently loaded for me. If I’m hungry, I eat it and I really enjoy it. If I’m not hungry, I don’t want it, not even if I’m miserable and I’ve had a terrible day. It doesn’t fill that hole anymore. It’s just food.
“Because you’re finally motivated to resist,” she said.
No, I explained. Motivation and willpower and resistance are not involved. If I’m hungry I want to eat, if I’m full I stop eating, and if I’m not hungry I don’t have anything in the first place. If I am hungry, I eat whatever I want and it tastes amazing – I really enjoy it. There’s nothing I can’t have, but I don’t want very much of anything. Take yesterday, when I found out that someone had bought some M&S teacakes – the chocolate marshmallow ones – and a walnut coffee cake for my mother. I wasn’t that hungry, but I cut myself a much smaller slice than I usually would, grabbed one teacake, and actually found myself feeling sick halfway through the cake. It was too much, and too rich. I have never felt sick halfway through a small slice of cake before. Never.
“Right, because you’re seeing results and you don’t want to cock it up by eating crap.”
ARGH.
But actually it’s very interesting, because before I was brainwashed I couldn’t have imagined a relationship with food that didn’t involve willpower, resistance, motivation, struggle, Standing Firm, Giving In, Resolving To Do Better Tomorrow. Now, I wouldn’t really say I have a relationship with food at all. When I’m hungry, I find something I really want and dig in. When I’m full, I stop. And that’s it. It doesn’t call to me, it doesn’t make me feel emotionally better, it doesn’t comfort me (although a cup of tea always will comfort me and no amount of NLP jiggery-pokery will change that). It’s not an issue. The thought of eating when I’m not hungry is actively unpleasant. The feeling of the cake that I didn’t want in my stomach was physically very uncomfortable.
Here’s something else that’s weird. I used to eat very fast, as I think I said, and I have slowed down considerably since starting this mind control thing. I was late to work the other day, and tried to bolt my toast down before I left. I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t. I did eat a little faster than usual, and swallowed more quickly than I usually would, but not very much. And I felt awful afterwards. Really horrible. I could feel the insufficiently chewed toast like a ball of concrete in my chest. Which also reminded me that I haven’t had indigestion in two and a half weeks either.
And I’m really not eating that much. I’ve been having toast and coffee for breakfast, some sort of salad and fruit for lunch, and generally grilled meat and salad for supper, with a yoghurt (full fat) for pudding and occasionally a couple of the posh chocolates from Christmas. Once or twice each week I’ve had something like pizza or a burger and chips for lunch, but no more than twice in the week; and both times I’ve found that I’m then not that interested in eating in the evening.
So far, my body seems to be very good at feeding itself, if I just let it get on with it.
In case you didn’t guess, I’d really recommend this system. Or thing. Or whatever it is. Nothing works for everyone but so far I am happier with myself and food than I have ever been, and that is a very big deal for me.
I completely agree with you. If I can think ‘yes, I can eat it if I choose to and I can stop when I want’ I am less likely to choose to. By it being my choice, the food hasn’t got its tasty thrall over me. And as I can eat it any time I want, there’s much less likelihood of a sudden craving or binging session hitting me.
Did you finish the piece of cake, by the way?
Comment by Z — January 29, 2009 @ 8:38 am
Ok, I’m sold.
As long as you swear you’re still really enjoying food. Because it sounds quite a lot like how I felt at the start of my pregnancy (only without the sicking up), as explained here, and I was really not sure if I’d want to feel like that always. I may not want to rely on food for comfort, but I’m sort of sad to think that I might not get comfort from food if I went that way…
Comment by Robynn — January 29, 2009 @ 1:55 pm
Z – I did. And it was awful. I felt horrid.
Robynn – I just looked at your post and I think I know what you mean, because I was on some medication about eight years ago that did the same thing to me. I *think* that what you’re talking about is more loss of appetite – you know you have to eat but nothing really appeals, and I remember that I was torn between feeling thrilled, because I was so bad at controlling my appetite, and horrified at the thought of never WANTING food again. At the moment, I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed food as much. I think it’s a combination of eating whatever I feel like (which means I’m eating non-diet food and making lots of dressings and marinades and things from scratch, and building some seriously elaborate salads, and making exciting side-dishes out of vegetables instead of just steaming them and bunging them on a plate), and just eating slowly enough to really appreciate the taste of what I eat.
Comment by Katy — January 31, 2009 @ 11:31 pm
I don’t think it’s worth the time and effort to explain to people the difference between “intuitive eating” (that’s what I call it, not necessarily just like the book) and restrained eating (dieting). I eat quite healthy for the most part, am losing weight, but I eat MUCH more than you. I wouldn’t be able to be this comfortable around food if I didn’t eat a bit of protein and fat in every meal, I would just stay hungry. I learned that lesson the hard way.
Comment by julie — March 3, 2009 @ 7:07 am
What program are you doing that helped you?
Comment by Auti — May 5, 2009 @ 10:14 pm