Self-image 2: mirror mirror

Like Wendy, I have availed myself of the services of a personal trainer. I’ve been going for four or five weeks and I really like it.

This morning, he asked me to do some step-ups on the PowerPlate, which is a strange vibrating sort of step. You do the same things on the PowerPlate that you would on a step like what Wendy has, except that the vibratingness works your core muscles (not like that!) and improves your balance, strength and posture. I had to put one foot on the step, lift myself up off my back foot so that I was balancing on the foot on the step, and then raise two dumbbells up above my head and back to shoulder level, then step back down, then do it again. (I am not describing this very well.)

“90 seconds,” he said. “Go.”

I went.

Thirty seconds later I stopped.

“I can’t do it,” I said.

“Yes you can.”

I managed another 30 seconds, then stopped. “I really can’t do it,” I said firmly, and stepped down onto the floor.

He just looked at me.

“Could we possibly,” I said after a moment, “turn the PowerPlate round so that I’m not facing the mirror?”

He did, and I managed 90 seconds on the other leg without any problem. I even started to enjoy the exercise.

See, it wasn’t the effort that was stopping me. It was the sight of my reflection in the mirror. And I don’t mean the fact that I’m overweight. Since I started these sessions I’ve tightened up enough to be actually quite pleased with my body when I look in the mirror, although there’s a lot of work left to do. I haven’t lost much in the way of weight, but that’s the plan: first we build muscle tone, then we start to work specifically on reducing the fat, although a lot of that gets done in the process of raising my fitness levels. But still - the little roll above my waist has gone. The little roll below has shrunk drastically. My arms and legs have definition lines in them. The horrible saddlebaggy bits at the top of my thighs has shrunk and what’s left is firmer. People are starting to ask if I’ve lost weight.

It’s more to do with how I see myself generally. I have a mental image of myself: it’s how I’d describe myself if someone asked. Long curly hair, loose. Makeup. A skirt, either knee-length or longer; a nice top; heeled boots. But when I go to the gym I don’t look like that at all. I have not mastered gym chic. Perhaps it’s not the same for men, who have less choice available to them in terms of what they wear and how they do their hair and therefore probably look pretty much the same whenever they look in the mirror. But Gym Katy doesn’t wear any makeup, because it would end up round her chin. I’m in tracksuit bottoms, a baggy T-shirt and trainers. My hair is just pulled back into a scrunchie. I look pale and freckly, until I start to work out, at which point I start to look red and sweaty and freckly instead. Because I’m fair, without mascara my eyes seem to disappear into my face.

Looking in the mirror and seeing Gym Katy is like seeing a different and much less attractive person, at the moment. I hope that one day I’ll look in the mirror and be quite impressed, but at the moment I’m just turning the machines around or closing my eyes. Is this just me?