I Am A Cretin
There are a million reasons why people get fat, or can’t lose weight, or don’t want to lose weight, either consciously or sub-consciously. There are also a million different ways to motivate people who are losing weight and whilst Katy, Wendy, Anna and I all broadly have the same reasons for doing it, what motivates us will be very different. (As will the way we cope with for e.g. random scone attacks, sudden curries, The Effect Of Ladyhormones, not losing weight for a week when you are doing all the right things, etc.)
Regular readers of this blog will be aware that I am often the first to pipe up with ‘helpful advice’ for my fellow Porketeers, ranging from “shut the fuck up, stop your whining and just get on with it“, to “love yourself, yeah?”, via “It’s really simple! Just eat less and move around more!”, with many other interjections in between.
None of this, however, detracts from the point, which is that I have not:
1. Lost one pound since we started this blog;
2. Managed to combine going to work with doing exercise;
3. Listened to my own advice.
I found this post on my other blog last night.I was much more amusing back then; much more amusing than, in fact, I’ve been for about 530 days. But that is another story all together, and I shall not (for once) digress.
I wrote it on 18th July 2006. After having a quick lie down and a suck at the gin, I got out my scientific calculator and did some maths. A bit of really clever arithmetic told me that, had I stuck to my very reasonable and effective regime (and assuming I had lost weight the proper rate of approximately 7lbs a month), I could have lost 9 stone since I wrote that post, and that’s about five stone more than I need to lose.
What a fuck-awful waste of time. People being kind or encouraging makes no difference, and sympathy makes me want to vomit. I have never really listened to anyone else’s advice (unless I ask for it), and I hate being told what to do, or being told I “must” or “should” do anything; but the one thing that will get me off my fat arse (in almost any circumstance) is the prospect of looking stupid.
Yes. It is true. I have been stupid. I am a cretin. I am a fool to myself. I am an idiot. I have wasted time, and potential for cartwheels, riding horses at dangerous speeds, and not looking like a mentalist in jeans.
As of this very minute right now, when I am faced with an open biscuit tin, I shall shout ‘YOU ARE A CRETIN!’ and withdraw my hand sharply. If I decide that I cannot be arsed to either go to the gym or ride upon the noble crosstrainer that the best of all men obtained and assembled for me*, I shall remind myself of how miserable I feel if I do not, and shout ‘FOOL!’ in the mirror. And if hot cheese is in the offing, I shall form its delicious fatty-fatness into the word “I-D-I-O-T”.
Yes. It is time. I must stop being an idiot and get my fat arse in gear.
* It is the least I can do. I have non-stop quiet support, 24 hours a day, in all weathers, hairy crack or not. I have not properly appreciated it until now.
Eh. I was going to comment a load of helpful advice, you know, because I’m really nice that way but I can’t really do better than “you are a cretin!” and I will adopt it as my new life-coaching philosophy at once. Excuse me, I need to lambaste myself a bit over some unfinished work, a thank-you note I didn’t write two months ago and a phone call I’ve been putting off for two weeks because I’m a coward. Honestly, this approach works much better for me than all the soft touch be kind to yourself stuff in the world because I believe me when I tell myself it’s all good if I just MEANT to do it. Hopefully I’ll believe me when I point out I’m an idiot as well!
Comment by Megan — February 19, 2008 @ 6:54 pm
I AM ALSO A CRETIN!
If only I’d read this post sooner.
If I had read this post sooner, on peeling the lid from my Tesco Finest creamy creamy creamy hazelnut yogurt, I’d have made my tongue a bit pointy and delicately licked the word “loser” in the lid. And THAT would have been enough creamy creamy creamy yogurt for me. Instead, I licked the lid like a spaniel with a bowl of water on a hot day, then devoured the entire pot. ALL 240 CALORIES WORTH.
Let’s ALL bE CRETINS!
Comment by Wendy Christie — February 19, 2008 @ 7:08 pm
CRETIN!!! (Or do you like ’spanner’ better? I am never sure, myself, although at the moment I like ‘YOU FUCKING ID.I.OTTT.’
Comment by nonworkingmonkey — February 19, 2008 @ 8:43 pm
But hold on dear Wend it is only 240 calories!!!
Comment by nonworkingmonkey — February 19, 2008 @ 8:44 pm
Yes, but that equals a whole LUNCH!
Comment by Wendy Christie — February 19, 2008 @ 8:59 pm
Phew, I’m glad I am not the only person who writes words in their food as a means of self-development or self-flagellation (I see a new blog in this!). Handy tip though, don’t bother trying it with soup. I spent three hours the other week trying to form the word “disappointment” in a bowl of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom. Not only was it a futile endeavour, but it was also cold by the time I’d given up. Another handy tip, trying to arrange crutons in soup to form letters doesn’t work very well either. You’re welcome.
Comment by Jonners — February 19, 2008 @ 9:34 pm
I am a cretin too, but I am decreasing my cretin-ness by eating less and moving about more. I was doing this this time last year and gave up (subsequently had a horrific year, unrelated to cretinisation) and if I hadn’t, I’d be where I want to be now. Which is 4 - 5 stone lighter. You have no idea how often I’ve realised how rubbish I am by thinking, “If I’d stuck to it I’d be happy now.” I’m not stupid enough to think that thin = happy, but I’d be happi-er (or is it happy-er?)
Hey ho, off we go. Don’t beat yourself up too much because then the gym’s even more painful.
Comment by JoJo — February 19, 2008 @ 10:18 pm
Hello JoJo. What a very nice comment all over. You can be our friend.
Comment by nonworkingmonkey — February 20, 2008 @ 1:34 am
*sigh*
That Monkey she only tell you half the story. It is incumbent upon me to point out that in the last year and a half she has found true love, spent a year in Amsterdam, and most recently emigrated to Canada (French) to live with a pathologist who cuts his own hair, where she now does something Very Important for a Very Important Company. She has not been sitting on her ass, which I should also point out is Perfectly Formed even if she would prefer it to be a bit smaller. And she for the most part maintained her loss, which is more than can be said for me.
We only get one life and we weren’t meant to spend it sitting around keeping food diaries. Most people do not have the time to sit around working out calories taken in vs calories burned because they are too busy living. We are not cretins.
Comment by Katy Newton — February 20, 2008 @ 8:32 am
Speak for yourself. I am a CRETIN.
Jonners - ANYTHING involving cream of mushroom soup, Campbells or otherwise, is futile. But thank you for the tip.
Comment by Wendy — February 20, 2008 @ 9:15 am
Dear Katy you are a friend indeed! But I AM STILL A CRETIN. It is not that difficult to not put food in your mouth. Also do not forget near-fatal bicycle accident resulting in near loss of foot. And I say this for one reason only: IT IS ANOTHER EXCUSE!!! There are milions of them, squirting out everywhere, always! BUT: WE KNOW IT IS HARD and THE REASON I AM A CRETIN IS THAT I HAD FOUR MONTHS OFF WORK MEANING I COULD GO TO THE GYM EVERY BLOODY DAY AND COOK FOR MYSELF and all I did was cook eleborate lasagnes and look out of the window.
Cream of chicken, weirdly, was what I wanted most when ill as a child. Cream of tomato - has anyone else noticed that even if you follow elaborate poshpants cream of tomato soup recipes out of fancy cookbooks etc it always, always tastes exactly like Campbell’s?
Comment by nonworkingmonkey — February 20, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
Also I take that back. It is very hard not to put food in your mouth if you really want to put food in your mouth, especially if you like putting food in your mouth very much, i.e. foods like cheese (melty) or bread you have made with butter (salted) or cake. Or sausages. I love sausages.
Comment by nonworkingmonkey — February 20, 2008 @ 1:12 pm
Re the tomato soup. Nonsense! I have a fabulous tomato soup recipe that uses bread and is the silkiest, creamiest (without cream) bestest tomato soup around. Of course at this very moment I have several Campbell’s soups in my cupboard and I haven’t made the home-done version in a veeeery long time. Point is I COULD. I really, really COULD.
Oh, here’s a question! I tend to be a salty, savoury type food person so my weaknesses are on the sausages and crisps line. I don’t really have a problem with sweets because I don’t much like super-sweet stuff (really fine dark chocolate I love, but can make do with a square or two). Is that common do you think? Is the line drawn between savoury and sweet weaknesses or am I a freak?
Comment by Megan — February 20, 2008 @ 2:42 pm
I err on the side of the savoury as well Megan, so we can be freakazoid cretins together. Not that you are a cretin at all, from what I can tell.
I would love to see that tomato soup recipe by the way.
God NMW. MELTY CHEESE. I am having a godawful work day today and I’m thinking I might cheer myself up with a slicy of cheese on toast when I get home because that’s bound to make up for the incompetence and laziness I’ve had to endure today. And that’s just me I’m talking about.
Comfort food. Why? WHY? I’m seriously considering masturbation as an alternative form of comfort.
Comment by Wendy — February 20, 2008 @ 4:20 pm
STOP. RIGHT. THERE. RIGHT. NOW.
NOW.
If you ‘cheer yourself up’ with a slice of cheese on toast, you will, soon thereafter, be un-cheered, because you have eaten said cheese on toast. Brief comfort, long regret. Short term (eat cheese on toast), medium term (regret cheese on toast, eat really sad food tomorrow to make up for it), long term (lose less weight than could have at weigh-in).
Comment by nonworkingmonkey — February 20, 2008 @ 4:25 pm
I err on the side of everything. I love food whether sweet or savoury.
It is a little known fact that human beings have two stomachs. That’s right.
Comment by Katy — February 20, 2008 @ 5:50 pm
I am savoury!
Oh, that wasn’t as in ‘I am savoury, please eat me!’ it was just an attempt to jump late into a conversation with the assertion that savoury is my downfall, not sweet. Unless it’s homemade cheesecake. But then it is cheese, so somewhat savoury.
Also, I am a cretinous cretin - never needing an excuse to beat myself up, but I will happily take another - if I hadn’t got all smug and stopped ACTUALLY trying last year, I could have been where I want to be right now, instead of beating myself up, and eating sodding soup for dinner. (Homemade tomato - though not cream of, since I don’t like, I only like tomatoey) But I am. And now I am doing something about it, as we all are. So we all are ex-cretins. Or you are. I am still a cretin. But for other different reasons.
Comment by anna — February 20, 2008 @ 8:30 pm
You may be a cretin
But I like ya!
I am a cretin. Even though I know that swimming alone is not helping me to lose the weight I put on, I am just all stubborn and “it’s not fair” about it. When really, I just need to get out there and start running again.
Loved your original post - don’t remember seeing that the first time around. Really captures how being fat limits one’s life.
Comment by anxious — February 20, 2008 @ 9:34 pm
Salt. Yes. Salt. Salty salt salt. Salt. Salt. Salt. Yes. Salt.
Comment by nonworkingmonkey — February 21, 2008 @ 12:45 am
And cake.
Also, I am still a cretin.
Comment by nonworkingmonkey — February 21, 2008 @ 12:45 am
Phew. Not utterly freakish. Next point is obviously that savoury types are infinitely superior and should Rule The World (except I don’t really want the bother, just the pay check). Soup:
1/2 cup slivered fresh basil
2 large garlic cloves, minced (or more if you likee da garlic)
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup chopped red onion (or sweet - tastes differ)
3 1/2 cups canned vegetable broth
1 pound plum tomatoes, coarsely chopped
3 3/4-inch-thick slices country white bread (each about 3×5 inches), cubed (nice thing is it can be stale-ish so you can use up leftovers)
Grated Parmesan cheese (can be omitted or reduced to a smidge)
Divide basil between 2 large soup bowls. Heat 2 tablespoons oil in heavy large saucepan over medium-high heat. Add garlic and sauté until brown. Add nonion and sauté until well softened (caramelize if you like - adds flavour but also adds time). Add broth, tomatoes and bread and bring soup to boil. Reduce heat to medium-low, cover and simmer until bread is falling apart, about 8 minutes. Transfer soup to processor. Using on/off turns, blend to coarse puree (or until silky, silky smooth - I don’t like lumps in my tomato soup. Probably because of Campbells darn ‘em). Season soup with salt and pepper. Ladle into bowls over basil. Drizzle with remaining 1 tablespoon oil (can be left out - I never do it. Although now that I think about it a nut oil might be interesting… shall experiment). Sprinkle with cheese.
Note - you can use tinned tomatoes if you MUST but fresh is far far better IF they are really nice tomatoes rather than the hard-as-rocks type at Safeway.
Comment by Megan — February 21, 2008 @ 3:47 pm
Also am not sure what a nonion is but hopefully it doesn’t make your hands stink when you mince it. Also also a stick blends means you don’t even have to mess with the transfer (v nice for us lazy types). Also also also did you know garlic and onion smell comes off your hands if you run ‘em under water and rub with a stainless steel spoon? It’s true, dat.
Comment by Megan — February 21, 2008 @ 3:49 pm