SPECIAL VALENTINE EDITION: DIET ‘N’ EXERCISE TRUE AND FALSE

If you love someone, set them free. That is what they say - and by ‘they’ I do not mean that simpering fool, Sting.

And so, on this Valentine’s Day I intend to set you, our loyal and adoring readers, free. Free from self-delusion, self-justification and self-deception; free from Cabbage Soup Diets, mal-functioning glands and generously-proportioned bones; free from half-science involving metabolic rates and sausages, and free from the endless excuses that you make to yourself that, if said out loud to a passing and moderately intelligent stranger, would cause them to skittle alarmedly to the side, clutching their faces.

Yes. It is ‘diet and exercise true and false’, in which I examine and, with genuine scientifically sound analytic skills learnt whilst reading English and Related Literatures and the University of York, ‘debunk’ some popular diet myths. You will really love it!

Food Consumed When Travelling Contains No Calories

Long car journeys are often more amusing when punctuated by a visit to the petrol station, resulting in for e.g. packets of Hula-Hoops, Pork Farms Pork Pies, packets of Maltesers, all-in-one-breakfast sandwiches and entire packets of cheese, gnawed free-style whilst going at 60mph in the middle lane of the A40.

Similarly, the tedium of a trans-Atlantic flight is often broken only by chewing confusedly on an unidentifiable pasty/cake hybrid stuffed with curried chicken; and no aeroport experience is complete without a disconsolate visit to Prêt À Manger.

In days of yore, it was impossible to spend any proper amount of time on an InterCity 125 without a microwaved bacon sandwich; nowadays, of course, one simply passes by the Marks and Spencer Simply Food and purchases a prawn mayonnaise sandwich and ‘low fat’ crisps, to be chewed at whilst eyeing the family bar of Cadbury Dairy Milk, free with every copy of OK!.

All of this is consumed freely, in the mistaken belief that because you are (in theory) in motion, the calories do not exist.

Verdict: FALSE

Fancy Hotel Food Consumed When Travelling For Work Contains No Calories

You are travelling and tired; worn out; not sure what day it is; you know no-one. In the fancy boot-teek hotel in which you are staying, there is a ‘room service menu’.

On the menu it says, “Hamburger and Fries” in a fashionably simple style, but it then goes on to talk at some length about an organic cow called Daisy, a farmer called Jean-Yves, being lovingly hung for 25 days and lightly grilled with Old Organic Cheddar, etc.

It seems like a good idea as 8.45 seems too late for Buccatini Pasta with Braised Rabbit In Mustard Cream with Organic Green Salad with French Dressing, but the truth is that there is no relationship between ‘fancy’ and ‘calorie free’: hamburger and fries is a hamburger and fries.

Verdict: FALSE

Organic And Free Range Food Is Healthy

It is a commonly known fact that my 40-odd pounds of extra fat is of the highest quality. It is organic and/or free range (where applicable); in the United Kingdom, most of it was purveyed by Waitrose or by the cheery-faced ‘farmers’ at Borough Market; in Canada, much of it comes from the rather more taciturn but nevertheless ‘healthy’ and ‘good quality’ Canadian farmers of the Jean Talon market.

Unfortunately, organic cake is still cake; organic cheese is still cheese; organic pie is still pie. (Whether it tastes nicer or not is a matter of debate, and not one that, frankly, I can be arsed to contribute to. However, if you are going to be a fat fatty fatster and have a problem with food, you might as well eat food with ingredients made from foodstuffs, not petroleum by-products.)

Verdict: FALSE.

Alcohol is Calorie-Free

Are you mad? (See Anna’s post below.)

Verdict: FALSE

Really Fantastic Restaurant Food Contains No Calories

Surely you have the point by now! Still, as my mother used to say: “Is it worth getting fat for?”. Sometimes, it is. (Note: I am not condoning being a fatty fat fatster lardy larster.)

It makes me very sad to see people at a restaurant I really like (not TGI Friday’s and/or Wendy’s), eating undressed salad, drinking water and whining about how they’d love to, but they just can’t.

Sometimes, it is worth eating exactly what you want and then thinking a bit for the next few days. Oh hang on: wait. That’s what normal people do. “A little of what you fancy does you good”, “moderation in all things”, etc.  Maybe that’s why we’re fat: we don’t think like that.
Verdict: FALSE, but sometimes that isn’t the point.

Housework is Exercise

It is if you are spending approx. 3 hours a day lugging a 40lb Hoover up and down the stairs, but washing up and/or dusting does not count.

Verdict: FALSE (generally)

Sex is Exercise

If you are not fit, it is impossible to have the kind of sex that constitutes exercise. Also, there is only one kind of heavy breathing that is sexy and it is not the kind that precludes a minor heart attack. And if you think you look disgusting naked, you will find it impossible to believe that the person you are sleeping with finds you attractive, whatever they say. (Note: I do not think I look disgusting naked although I often dream of taking a sharp scalpel to my hanging bellyfat - which I have despite not having had children - and ditto strechmarks!!!)

Verdict: FALSE (unless you are quite fit)

You Will Lose Weight If You Get Really Bad Food Poisoning

Verdict: TRUE. Why else would I lick raw pork?

It Is My Hormones/I Have Big Bones/My Metabolism Is Special/I Am Ill

In 95% of cases, that is bollocks. Big bones do not fail if you do not eat a packet of Cadbury Mini Rolls every night. Stop it. For the remaining 5%: that sucks cock, and I’m sorry.

Verdict: FALSE (usually)

It Is Not Easy To Lose Weight

Verdict: TRUE. (And some people find it harder than others.)

Losing Weight Will Probably Make You Feel Better

Verdict: TRUE

To Lose Weight, You Must Eat Less And Move Around More

There is no verdict involved. This is a fact cannot be disputed. It is a simple, glorious, TRUTH. (In almost all cases.)