I Am Not A “Big Girl”, You Cretin

Being a porker is quite bad enough without having to deal with the ghastly euphemisms for “you’re fat” that are routinely employed by the cretinous.

In the same way that I do not go “to the little girls’ room” or “pop out for a lite bite to eat”, I am not “a big girl”; nor am I “a larger lady”. I am not “big-boned”, “well-built” or “solid”. I say “what?”, not “beg pardon?”. I go to the loo; I don’t “powder my nose”.

I am (obviously) hilariously funny, but I am by no means “bubbly” - and the only time you’ll hear a slim person described as having a “lovely personality” is if they’ve tumbled out of the ugly tree, hitting a few branches on the way down.

I am not “Rubenesque”. I am definitely “curvy”, but then so’s the Michelin Man. You can’t be “chubby” if you’re more than twelve years old, and “cuddly” (particularly in internet dating profile speak) means that you probably have difficulty walking and/or have tiny animals living in your folds.

I am a great many things (frighteningly beautiful, extremely clever, gifted with the ability to play all of the works of Alan Parsons on the Glockenspiel, shit at Scrabble, good at dancing in the comedy style), and one of the things I also happen to be is fat. Or overweight. Either way, I weigh more than I should.

I would like to continue to play the works of Alan Parsons on the Glockenspiel because that simple act enriches my life and that of those around me, but being fat does not. I am not that bothered about clothes (my simple but perfect beauty usually serves to distract attention away from my cellulite-reducing leggings), but I would like to live until I am quite old and not get diabetes and/or need a winch to get in and out of the bath.

I have therefore decided to stop being fat and try and weigh what I should weigh, give or take a slight allowance to account for the weight of my enormous brain. “But how will you do this thing?”, I hear you cry. Quite simple, my friends: I shall eat less and move around more! I hear it is all the rage in weight-loss circles, so I am going to give it a try. Wish me luck!

Coming soon: I write about weight-loss using a paragraph that does not start with “I”.